Know what's worse than babies? Talking babies. Know what's worse than talking babies? Talking babies in commercials. Know what's worse than talking babies in commercials? NOTHING.
For some odd reason the talking baby commercial won't die. In 2008 E*Trade ran their first talking baby commercial during the Super Bowl. The campaign seemed to work and they haven't stopped making them. The brainchild of ad agency Grey New York, a firm that should be shot into the sun, created an ad campaign that has its own YouTube channel and Twitter account. Know what it doesn't have? A giant frying pan that swings in from out of frame and smashes the baby's face in.
The talking baby commercials creep me out. I hate them. I hate them more than I hate the Geico caveman commercials or the latest community college spot that runs during Maury Povich. I hate them more than I hate real babies. And that's a lot of hate, people. Babies aren't cute. They're stinky little creatures that poop, cry and demand all of your attention. Your cat has all of the same traits and is 400X smarter. Nobody wants to look at your baby pictures. We don't actually think your baby is the cutest in the world. We don't. We're being polite. Your baby is just as dumb and ugly as we were when we were babies.
Why the need for talking babies though? Because ad agencies love “dumb” campaigns. If a baby or caveman can do it, any stupid dumbass with an IQ above 4 could probably do it. What places like E*Trade and Geico are telling you is that you, the consumer, are retarded. It's nothing new, companies have been telling their customers they're stupid for decades. But now they're actually comparing you to the intellect of a baby. A baby. Something that slaps its hands on top of the baby chair a hundred times until you shove Robocop paste in its mouth.
Let's take a look at their first commercial that ran during the 2008 Superbowl.
Know what that commercial made me buy stock in? Trojans. Honestly, who sat on their couch and screamed out, “Hey! If that talking little baby can make trades n stuff, then me and the wife can do it too! Yeehaw!” Apparently a lot of people did and I'm betting they were all New England Patriot fans.
Let's look at one of their newer ones. One where the baby has a girlfriend. Cause babies love banging each other.
Was I magically teleported to a planet that likes this shit? Did someone steal the Tardis from Doctor Who, drug me, throw me in it and drop me off on Bizarro Earth? 8 million views? What is wrong with you people? “And that milkaholic Lindsey wasn't over?” Was that actually said? And GoDaddy commercials are censored? Do couples watch these commercials and say to each other, “Let's make our own talking baby!” (Don't answer that because I'm sure there were quite a few in the Deep South that did.)
E*Trade, as long as Grey New York keeps making these dumb talking baby commercials, you're not gonna see me trading on your website. I will happily stay broke in my room and not play the stock market. I hope everyone involved in this campaign has a baby that starts to talk right from the womb. Only it doesn't say cute things like “Daddy” or “I love you.” Instead it says “I use E*Trade” until it's 4 years old. Maybe then you bastards will stop.
Now leave me alone. I'm trying to finish watching Doctor Dolittle. Hahaha! That talking dog is soooo cute!!!