You bitch about annoying commercials in your den. I do it online. I'm lucky enough to watch TV for a living, which means I often have to watch it live. I don't get to FF over the commercials. There is snark ahead. You've been warned.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Someone Shut That Talking Baby Up-Guest Blog from George Roush

Every once in a while, I like to have guest bloggers.  This week, it's my very good buddy George Roush.  You may know him as El Guapo or follow him at @elguapo1 on Twitter.  If you don't, you're insane.  This man is funny!  He also escorts me to things as my surrogate husband.  Pity him.  

Me and George at Meltdown Comics for the League of Extraordinary Ladies Meetup.  He's an honorary lady. (Photo by Nicole Sixx)

George, you'll find, has an issue with the talking baby commercials.  I share his terror of these little creatures.  They're just...wrong.  Check out what he has to say, and visit his hysterical blog, El Guapo TV, right here on blogspot. You'll thank me.  And now, without further ado, here is George 'El Guapo' Roush's rant on the E*Trade Babies.

Know what's worse than babies? Talking babies. Know what's worse than talking babies? Talking babies in commercials. Know what's worse than talking babies in commercials? NOTHING.

For some odd reason the talking baby commercial won't die. In 2008 E*Trade ran their first talking baby commercial during the Super Bowl. The campaign seemed to work and they haven't stopped making them. The brainchild of ad agency Grey New York, a firm that should be shot into the sun, created an ad campaign that has its own YouTube channel and Twitter account. Know what it doesn't have? A giant frying pan that swings in from out of frame and smashes the baby's face in.


The talking baby commercials creep me out. I hate them. I hate them more than I hate the Geico caveman commercials or the latest community college spot that runs during Maury Povich. I hate them more than I hate real babies. And that's a lot of hate, people. Babies aren't cute. They're stinky little creatures that poop, cry and demand all of your attention. Your cat has all of the same traits and is 400X smarter. Nobody wants to look at your baby pictures. We don't actually think your baby is the cutest in the world. We don't. We're being polite. Your baby is just as dumb and ugly as we were when we were babies.

Why the need for talking babies though? Because ad agencies love “dumb” campaigns. If a baby or caveman can do it, any stupid dumbass with an IQ above 4 could probably do it. What places like E*Trade and Geico are telling you is that you, the consumer, are retarded. It's nothing new, companies have been telling their customers they're stupid for decades. But now they're actually comparing you to the intellect of a baby. A baby. Something that slaps its hands on top of the baby chair a hundred times until you shove Robocop paste in its mouth.

Let's take a look at their first commercial that ran during the 2008 Superbowl.







Know what that commercial made me buy stock in? Trojans. Honestly, who sat on their couch and screamed out, “Hey! If that talking little baby can make trades n stuff, then me and the wife can do it too! Yeehaw!” Apparently a lot of people did and I'm betting they were all New England Patriot fans.

Let's look at one of their newer ones. One where the baby has a girlfriend. Cause babies love banging each other.






Was I magically teleported to a planet that likes this shit? Did someone steal the Tardis from Doctor Who, drug me, throw me in it and drop me off on Bizarro Earth? 8 million views? What is wrong with you people? “And that milkaholic Lindsey wasn't over?” Was that actually said? And GoDaddy commercials are censored? Do couples watch these commercials and say to each other, “Let's make our own talking baby!” (Don't answer that because I'm sure there were quite a few in the Deep South that did.)


E*Trade, as long as Grey New York keeps making these dumb talking baby commercials, you're not gonna see me trading on your website. I will happily stay broke in my room and not play the stock market. I hope everyone involved in this campaign has a baby that starts to talk right from the womb. Only it doesn't say cute things like “Daddy” or “I love you.” Instead it says “I use E*Trade” until it's 4 years old. Maybe then you bastards will stop.

Now leave me alone. I'm trying to finish watching Doctor Dolittle. Hahaha! That talking dog is soooo cute!!!

12 comments:

  1. I know it't wrong, but I love the E-Trade babies. Love. Honestly, I can deal with talking babies if the babies are doing the off beat adult stuff.

    Now, ask me how I feel about those wunderkind children that used to be on things like the grape juice commercials. 5 year olds that act like adults creep me out worse.

    But if you've never seen the out takes of the E Trade babies, it's one of the most hilarious things ever ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
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    ReplyDelete
  10. Hi my name is Kate Clancy, I’m 24 years old. My ex boyfriend he broke up with me 5 weeks ago. I’m currently 15 weeks pregnant. We were together for 7 years (engaged the last). The day he broke up with me he said he “wanted to find himself, wanted to be free, and was confused if he still wanted to be with me or not.” I was devastated but was cool and calm because he’s been dealing with depression for 4 years and I think the news of our pregnancy broke him. I knew he was unhappy with himself because he got in a real bad car accident 4 years ago that changed his life. He lost his football scholarship, the chance to go to school, and hasn’t been able to find a job. When he broke up with me he said that he loves me and always will love me. When he decided to split I decided I wouldn’t contact him because he wanted space, but he calls me at least once a day to check on me. At times he offers to do favors for me like being me things when I’m sick and wash my car. I agree to let him do these things for me because I miss him so much and it seems like everytime I see him he still kisses me and tells me he loves me. He still wants to go to all our sons check up and I do invite him to them. I’m trying to be strong but his actions are confusing me. This was the guy I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.i was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Unity can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it, then he did a Lover-spell for me. 28 hours later, my bf came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I and my bf are living together happily again..All thanks to Dr Unity. If you have any problem contact Dr.Unity now and i guarantee you that he will help you..Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,you can also call him or add him on whats-app:+2348071622464 ,his website:http://unityspelltemple.webs.com

    ReplyDelete