Anti-aging ads..."It will make you look 30 years younger!"

Ladies (and the men who love them), this one is for you. Here it goes...if I see one more lying piece of crap commercial with fuzzy camera work I will spit nails. Oh yes. I'm talking about wrinkle creams. Oh, of course your cream is a miracle.

"It improves the appearance of wrinkles up to 40%"

Uh huh. Do you think I'm too stupid to notice the words "appearance" and "up to?" Yes. You do. And if I'm like most women, I am. Now, I don't mean to be harsh here, because I understand why. Our culture prizes youth above everything and blah, blah blah. I don't have to spell it out for you. You've heard it a zillion times. And yes, aging in a society like this does have a deep, emotional impact on our self esteem. I'm a woman. I get it. I feel it. But can we just step back for a moment here? Let's look at this a different way.

They didn't work then either.

Imagine these commercials filled with slick camera shots, fuzzy filters and tons and tons of digital retouching were aimed at men. Disclaimer: Tons of crap is marketed to men by appealing to their weak spots. (Ahem, hair regrowth.) This is not a feminist rant, though I'm happy to give you one. All I'm doing is asking you to look at it from the flip side.

So, forgive my appalling lack of daintiness, but let's say these commercials were aimed at, well, increasing a gentleman's...size. "Guys, this cream will increase the appearance of the size of your penis up to 40%." You're laughing, right? Because it's stupid. Nothing will do that and any idiot man in his right mind would know better than to believe it. I bet it would sell out in minutes, but still...

Well, that's exactly what you're doing when you buy into the wrinkle cream hype. Because ladies...

If it worked, no one would have wrinkles!

No one would get crap shot into their faces. No one would ever risk lips like Lisa Rinna. No one would look like some sort of freak show marionette because they wanted to look younger. When I was a makeup artist, I watched women spend thousands of dollars on creams and potions. I see it now every time I watch TV with friends. They say, "Do you think that really works?" I try to explain, "There is no miracle potion. Sarah Jessica Parker doesn't look like she does in the Garnier commercials. None of these women do. You're so willing to accept that people are airbrushed in magazines, but you can't wrap your head around the fact that they do this on camera too?" I see these women on the red carpet all the time, and though they're all lovely, they don't look anything like they do in those ads. Not even close.

One of my favorite covers of Makeup Artist Magazine.

Sandra Bullock won my admiration at an event I was at where she admitted to not only having her body digitally retouched in The Proposal, but actually claimed to have asked for it. Ladies, they can make giant robots fight each other and make Brad Pitt age backwards. Why do you insist on believing that they aren't retouching that pretty lady on TV? Or casting someone who is far younger than you and making her talk about her wrinkles? Hell, they tell you to buy this mascara that is so amazing while using a model with falsies on. You think they're going to tell you the truth about this because you so desperately need to hear it? You know they mean 40% over people who don't use anything, right? At best, they're mostly lovely moisturizers that smell like magic flowers and unicorns. Sure, they'll do a little, but you're not going to look like your teenaged daughter, no matter how many lotions and potions you slap on that face.

The only way you're going to look like her is...well, you're not. Neither does she.

Go ahead. Send me your pick for most outrageous skin care commercial. While you're at it, send the makeup ads you hate too. And for goodness sake, go clean out your medicine cabinet!