You bitch about annoying commercials in your den. I do it online. I'm lucky enough to watch TV for a living, which means I often have to watch it live. I don't get to FF over the commercials. There is snark ahead. You've been warned.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

I do not want to eat talking food. It's just creepy.

I'm going to start by telling you that I've been a vegetarian for over 20 years. I never liked meat to begin with and when I found out the cute little chick I was petting was going to end up on someone's plate, that sealed the deal. My parents don't remember this, but they told me the chicken they made me eat as a kid died of old age or was hit by a car. Yes, they told me I was eating road kill. It's pretty damn funny if you think about it. By the way, I don't care if you eat meat or not. I don't care if you do it in front of me. I'm not judging. I just thought I'd explain where this "talking food" issue came from. (I did a veggie post a while back if you want to check it out.)

This is the ad campaign that pushed me over the edge. First of all, there is something incredibly creepy about talking food. "We'll help you stay full and focused." So, you scream when I bite you? Are you suicidal cereal? Are you sacrificing yourself for the higher cause of making sure I don't fall asleep during a staff meeting? You have little frosted children for fuck's sake! Do you not care about them? Oh no, that's right. I watched you instruct your kid in what to do in the afterlife/my stomach. And what happens after I digest you? I'm sure your weird self-sacrificing cereal cult didn't tell you about that part.

Alright, I admit that reading into this is a failing on my part. But those stupid Frosted Mini Wheats commercials are to blame. At least the M&M's spots address how weird the whole thing is. (Though the pretzel getting upset about being forced inside the orange M&M is a whole new level of weird.)

Is anyone else freaked out by this? I mean, this is weird, right? I can't be the only one who bitches every time I see the hot tub commercial. Seriously, the talking cereal pieces (one of whom has a Brooklyn accent) is sitting around a hot bowl of milk, talking to the kid who is about to eat them and discussing the safety of the tub temperature. They wrap towels around themselves and let each other know if their "eight layers" are sticking out. How embarrassing! I would want someone to tell me if my eight layers were showing. Wait...

Do you see where I'm going with this? It's not just a one time thing. We are now following these little frosted fiber bits. We've seen them in school. We've been embarrassed for the strawberry-flavored one when he gets mistaken for a girl because of his pink frosting. We've been inside their homes and learned that they have a little frosted doggie and slippers and a couch. I don't want to eat you, Frosted Mini Wheats family! I want to adopt you! Save the cereal!

Ahem. Go ahead and post your picks for creepiest talking food commercials in the comments. I need to know I'm not the only crazy person out there.

Friday, February 25, 2011

I'm never buying jeans from Old Navy again!

I've just realized how many times I've bitched about commercials on Facebook and Twitter. It's hardly surprising that they get the most responses. I did a blog post on Girl Meets Lightsaber a while back about how mascara commercials lie. I just don't understand how women can go out and buy tube after tube and still don't get that they use false lashes. Sure, they call them "lash inserts" but it's the same damn thing. That got posted all over the place.

There is something about commercials that sets people off. Sure, they can win over a crowd with humor or celebs doing crazy things. Even people like me who hate football will watch the Superbowl for the commercials. But when they go wrong, they go really, really wrong.

Take the latest ad campaign for Old Navy. A Kim Kardashian look-a-like singing a song about how cute she looks in jeans, even while getting a root canal and a traffic ticket. Then I see one with a song about ankles. Ankles? This is the next step after talking British mannequins? There is even an ankle dance. Look, I'm willing to cuff my jeans if that's what's in, but the stupid song has convinced me to stop shopping at Old Navy.

Oh yes. If your commercial irritates the fuck out of me, I'm not shopping there anymore. I don't care how clean your toilet paper makes my ass, I'm not buying anything sold by a family of bears. Especially bears that inspect the butts of their children for lint.

I'll be taking on everything from cell phone noises and alarm clocks in commercials to the blatant way T Mobile ripped off the Justin Long Mac vs. PC ads. I'll even post a few classics here and there. Many of you have seen this one before, but it's my very favorite. It's singing muppet pills that warn you they're not candy:

I'd love to hear what you think. Suggest commercials for me to go off on. Post videos. Tell me which ones you love...unless, of course, it's about talking food. Cereal should NOT hang out in hot tubs and comment on what is sticking out of their towels. Anyway, welcome to the blog.